Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Why do sausages wrapped in bacon make me think of Teeth?

Merry Christmas!
It's a very depressing question to ask yourself on Christmas day. Sausages wrapped in bacon are the one thing on that whole plate of food that turn it from good to great. The simpleness of a sausage wrapped in a meaty coat of bacon is a luxury so pleasurable it makes me want to cry. But you know what else made me want to cry? When I saw one laying on my plate, all pink and juicy, and likened it to Brad's severed penis in Teeth. What made it worse was watching my dog eat one too.

I'm sorry to put that horrific image in your head, but I wanted you to feel my pain, because apparently I'm a sadistic cruel woman. Currently I'm writing a 4,500 word essay on how women are represented as monstrous in film, and chose Teeth as my main film to discuss. So, instead of watching The Snowman or playing family games, I've taken it upon myself to spend my Christmas break repeatedly analysing scenes in which Dawn castrates men. I'm also writing this for a very, very strong feminist who hasn't seen Teeth, so describing this film and how it does portray feminism effectively is a particular challenge I'm finding interesting.

I get told my dog looks a little S&M in this...
My Christmas hasn't been completely filled with vagina dentata, however. I've watched Elf (possibly my favourite Christmas film besides Jingle All The Way), Santa Claus The Movie and Miracle on 34th Street. These are my go to films to get me in the Christmasy mood. Usually Love Actually is whacked out on Christmas Eve, but this year my family chose to walk my dog through muddy woods then crack open the champagne - Not a bad substitute. I just watched the scene with Andrew Lincoln telling Keira Knightley he loved her through cards on YouTube. That's one of the only reasons I watch that film, and to see Rowan Atkinson as the sales assistant, and Bill Nighy as the rock star... Oh sod it, I actually bloody love that film.

Christmas day itself was a wonderful affair, besides the whole penis incident... I got some lovely presents including amazing speakers for my laptop so I can watch scenes like this and listen to every little detail:

After I've written this essay, I'm doing a research project of the same length on Batman Returns... Hopefully that won't traumatise New Years for me too much. I hope your Christmas was filled my merriment and joy, and you have a lovely new year! I'm sure you'll be kept up to date with my opinions on penis-less men again at some point.


  1. And the moral of the this story is if you want to continue enjoying all those lovely pigs in blankets don't watch Teeth! :)

    ...but you're so right about them being the tastiest treat on the Christmas dinner plate. I love them!

  2. We made extra this year so we could enjoy them for the next few days!